Starlight, Star-bright

Where the fuck is the Blue Fairy when you need her?

I'm sorry, I usually refrain from using profanities in my blog. Which is a big step for me. But I am frustrated right now.

I have wishes, and I want them fucking fulfilled. Sometimes this fulfillment seems as though it's going to take a miracle of Disney-like proportions to do it. Hence my wondering of where the magic is.
This is the biggest wish I have right now is this: why can you not just know deep in your bones what you are supposed to do with your life? Not just what you are going to do with your life, but what your calling is, what it is that you will put out into the world that is utterly unique - that no one else could have or will. I know this is both a naive belief, and a largely culturally influenced one. The idea of everyone being special, of individuals, is and has been a Western belief, a perspective - not even reality. This doesn't deter me from firmly believing that there is something specific that everyone is meant to do. Something that we are good at, or good for. We all have something to offer, though not all of us discover it within our lifetimes. Or sometimes it is too late. Then there are those who do.
You know who I'm talking about. The teacher whose impact was so strong that you remember them __ years later. The author whose book moved you to act, whether it was laughter, tears, or something greater. The leaders who made monumental decisions for their countries and bettered the world. The men and women who have made and make great scientific discoveries every day. The musicians who write music unlike anything we have heard before or will hear again.
These are the people who have discovered what they are supposed to do. I am not one of them

I desperately wish that I was. I know that I am a gifted writer. To me, this statement is in no way egotistical - it is a fact. I say it the same way I tell my friends that they are incredibly talented at __ thing - it is not praise to make them feel good about themselves, it is fact. When you are naturally gifted at something, however, I find it, at least for me, is difficult to be passionate about it. How is it that we can be passionate about walking? Breathing? Something that is so basic to us. And yet there are great hikers, great athletes. There are those whose lives are dedicated for meditation - to valuing a slow breath and quiet mind.
We are in university so that we may catapult ourselves into our lives. We are mostly 18 or 19 when we enter and we (mostly) leave four years later. Whether or not we return is irrelevant, because my point is this: in those four years, at this young age, how is it that we are supposed to make the biggest decision of our lives? How do we decide what we are supposed to do?

I wish I had the answer to that question.
Or maybe there is no answer - maybe we don't decide. Maybe we aren't meant to. Maybe life is a process of trial and error. Of guesses. Maybe all we can do is try and understand what it is we love, what it is we would rather die that give up. Maybe there is no Blue Fairy.