Starlight, Star-bright

Where the fuck is the Blue Fairy when you need her?

I'm sorry, I usually refrain from using profanities in my blog. Which is a big step for me. But I am frustrated right now.

I have wishes, and I want them fucking fulfilled. Sometimes this fulfillment seems as though it's going to take a miracle of Disney-like proportions to do it. Hence my wondering of where the magic is.
This is the biggest wish I have right now is this: why can you not just know deep in your bones what you are supposed to do with your life? Not just what you are going to do with your life, but what your calling is, what it is that you will put out into the world that is utterly unique - that no one else could have or will. I know this is both a naive belief, and a largely culturally influenced one. The idea of everyone being special, of individuals, is and has been a Western belief, a perspective - not even reality. This doesn't deter me from firmly believing that there is something specific that everyone is meant to do. Something that we are good at, or good for. We all have something to offer, though not all of us discover it within our lifetimes. Or sometimes it is too late. Then there are those who do.
You know who I'm talking about. The teacher whose impact was so strong that you remember them __ years later. The author whose book moved you to act, whether it was laughter, tears, or something greater. The leaders who made monumental decisions for their countries and bettered the world. The men and women who have made and make great scientific discoveries every day. The musicians who write music unlike anything we have heard before or will hear again.
These are the people who have discovered what they are supposed to do. I am not one of them

I desperately wish that I was. I know that I am a gifted writer. To me, this statement is in no way egotistical - it is a fact. I say it the same way I tell my friends that they are incredibly talented at __ thing - it is not praise to make them feel good about themselves, it is fact. When you are naturally gifted at something, however, I find it, at least for me, is difficult to be passionate about it. How is it that we can be passionate about walking? Breathing? Something that is so basic to us. And yet there are great hikers, great athletes. There are those whose lives are dedicated for meditation - to valuing a slow breath and quiet mind.
We are in university so that we may catapult ourselves into our lives. We are mostly 18 or 19 when we enter and we (mostly) leave four years later. Whether or not we return is irrelevant, because my point is this: in those four years, at this young age, how is it that we are supposed to make the biggest decision of our lives? How do we decide what we are supposed to do?

I wish I had the answer to that question.
Or maybe there is no answer - maybe we don't decide. Maybe we aren't meant to. Maybe life is a process of trial and error. Of guesses. Maybe all we can do is try and understand what it is we love, what it is we would rather die that give up. Maybe there is no Blue Fairy.

On another note

Have you ever looked at your friends?
What a silly question, I know. I mean, we look at our friends everyday (in fact, one of them needs a shave, I think), but, of course, I'm talking about a different kind of "looking". The metaphorical kind that goes much deeper than the skin, than the ordinary.
Yesterday I noticed something about my friends, I noticed that of a fairly large group of us we want to become teachers, doctors, psychologists, humanitarians, and various other things that involve helping others, guiding others. Now, I realize that it's quite common for people, especially the young and impressionable types of people found in universities to want to help others. However, I find it excessively interesting that somehow, through what could largely be random chance, we have found and surrounded ourselves with such types of people. None of us want to be historians, lawyers (I don't think), librarians, bankers, accountants, etc. We aren't interested in putting a coldness between us and others. We aren't in this education business for the sole reason of making money. All of us can agree that money is nice, money is necessary, but ultimately the majority of us are interested in "humanity". And it doesn't matter what our faculty is.
We all have that interest invested in others. How does this happen? How do people come together, friends mostly because we live conveniently in the same building, in the same hallway, and end up with this deep-rooted likeness to each other. Of all of the people who I first met, first hung out with, I now live with three, and am friends with all. The first thing we asked was not, "what is your purpose in life", though, oddly enough, this was our first drunken philosophical conversation, approximately a week and a half after meeting. I am aware that people befriend based on convenience and similarity, but I find it remarkable that we found each other. Was it chance? Was it instant realization that basically we must all have such similar backgrounds and goals? Are all university students now just in it for others?
Who knows. One day I might actually study these questions, but as for now I remain overtired at eleven pm, and procrastinating from my studies that will turn me into a humanitarian. I hope.

In class surfing.

You've got to wonder just what people get up to on their laptops.
It's this tiny little database of everything you could possibly be interested in, it has the ability to hold all your thoughts (word processing), all your memories (photos/videos), all of your personal preferences... someone's laptop says a lot about them. But, what I wonder, is just what people use them for, which also makes me wonder exactly what classroom laptop etiquette is.
I mean, if someone's got Facebook up and is quite obviously creeping on some cute guy they just met, or jealously photo-stalking a friend, are you allowed to watch? It is in the middle of a room, and they've got to be aware of the other people around them, but what they're doing represents that evil part of your person. The part of you that obsesses over that guy, the part of you that secretly hates your friend, your classmates aren't supposed to witness that piece of yourself.
So why are you making it so goddamn easy?

I was sitting in Creative Writing they other day, and I noticed the girl next to me was idly browsing the internet. No big deal. The next time I looked back at her screen, though, she was intensely reading a Wikipedia article about Stockholm syndrome. Why? Of course, I quickly looked away, I didn't really think she'd appreciate me goggling at the fact she's reading an article about what can happen to someone who's been kidnapped. And then I started thinking, had she recently been kidnapped? Was she in an abusive relationship she likened to being kidnapped? Did she know someone in a cult who she thought was experienceing Stockholm syndrome? Had she simply NEVER paid attention to any psych/sociology/any humanities course/TV show about spies/etc, and therefore did not understand the term "Stockholm syndrome"? Had she accidentally clicked on it and just decided to read it? Did she just happen to have a seriously intense reading face?
All of these thoughts were flowing through my mind when I was supposed to be thinking about the setting of my short story.
I was so confused, though. I wanted to ask her why she was reading that, but something told me that it probably wasn't very good laptop etiquette to admit that I had been reading over her shoulder. And what if she was suffering from Stockholm syndrome? I can imagine it would be a rather touchy subject. But why look at something like that in class? Why allow everyone sitting around you to see exactly what's going on inside your head?
It's like that scene in Batman Forever, when the Riddler has that weird TV device that takes your thoughts and projects them in front of you. Side note: why does Batman have bats on the brain? I mean, that can't be the only thing going on up there. Anyways, it's almost as thought Batman Forever was telling the future, laptops have quite clearly become the things upon which our thoughts are projected.
Is this good or bad?
I have yet to decide.

More to... what?

I feel like it's kind of wrong to capitalize off "fat" people.
I am, of course, talking about the show 'More to Love' that I watch partially to feel good about myself, partially to laugh, and partially because it holds the same morbid fascination as a car wreck. I understand that the basic premise of the show is to demonstrate that plus-size people can find love too. Apparently, the average size of a woman on a dating show is a 2 and the average size of the people on this show has got to be 14 and upwards. The only thing I'm not understanding is that if the average size of a woman in North America is a 12, which likely means most women hover around there, but also fall below at both 8 and 10, how come, in the name of showing this, the woman on this show are bordering on the cusp of unhealthy?
I understand the aspect of portraying part of our culture that usually doesn't get much air-time in favor of the skinnier counterparts. I also feel as though this kind of program is glorifying obesity. It's not like I'm a part of the population that's 2, but I still am uncomfortable with the capitalization off "fat".
Putting the insecurities up on TV, listening to at least one woman bemoan wearing a bathing suit every single week also doesn't seem like something designed to muster the sensitivity of viewers. I feel like it's designed so that people can either a. laugh at it or b. feel better about their own self esteem because of it.
This is, however, an incredibly touchy subject. Am I saying that I don't believe that the plus-sized should be entitled to love? To trashy dating shows? No, I'm asking why it's necessary they have their own? Why must they be segregated from the population? Is it wholly acceptable that there has to be dating shows for "skinny" people and dating shows for "fat" people.
I've watched both of these varieties. On the "skinny" shows, it's all about sex and chemistry, on the "fat" show, it's largely about self-esteem and "loving for what's on the inside". I'm on episode 6 and there has still been no hot house hook-up. The thing is, I think the guy on 'More to Love' is just as douchey as the other Bachelors out there. Just because he's plus-sized, doesn't mean he's a total player who's learned to say the words, "I really want to get to know you deeper, what you're really all about" while making puppy-dog eyes. In one episode one of the ladies is looking at a breath-taking view of the city, he says it's beautiful, she says "I know", and he goes, "I was talking about you". And then I vomited. Just a little. In my mouth.
Basically what I have a problem with is the segregation of "skinny" and "fat" when really I don't think those things make a really large difference of who a person is. There are teeny mega-bitches, and there are plus-sized mega-bitches. So, capitalizing off the "fat" aspect of a show, unless it's something legitimate, like "The Biggest Loser" which is about health and improving for the sake of yourself, is wrong. It's not demonstrating "understanding" for different kinds of people, it's putting barriers between people.

BTS

Ohh BTS. In Vancouver it's greeted by intermittent rain and sun, falling leaves, and a general quaint-ness in the air.
I have always felt like Back-to-School is the beginning of a season. Ok, yes, September is the technical beginning of autumn, so what?! But anyways, it's not just the beginning of the "fall" season, but also something that happens more in the mind. The gears seem to click from summer laziness into a larger focus, things start to happen. Having classes gives everyone a sense of purpose greater than a random summer job, or sitting on the couch watching really bad MTV, but it also gives everyone a sense of wanting to do something. People want relationships, they want friendships, they want to start in with clubs, and, I think, people want to feel as though they are a part of something.
Now, I'm not sure if the sense of purpose is just an off-shoot of starting school, the epitome of "purpose", at the same time every year since we can remember, or if it's the physical seasonal change. Most likely, it's a combination of both. I mean, after four months of sitting around, dozing in the sun, and reading crappy vampire teen books, there's a bit of a snap, and that "if I don't do something I might actually go insane". But also, as the hot weather tapers off and we can't laze on the beach, it seems appropriate we find other ways to keep warm. We join things, we meet people, we do.

However, the initial hustle is dying down, and I can feel a burn out coming on. My housemates and I are sleepier in the mornings, we're more tired at night. Perhaps we're just adjusting, or perhaps the summer was just too good to us.

Don't you wanna...

Fanta?

Just kidding.
Though, a fizzy beverage would be nice right now.
But seriously, don't you ever want to say, "Let's get real here". Don't you want to be that earth-shattering, soul-crushing, oh-so-satisfying, reality check. The "REALLY?" from SNL, but every night, and day?
Don't you want to avoid all that guilt that you just know will come welling up afterwords?

Check out www.getrealzies.blogspot.com and send them your guilty pleasure of reality checks via email.

A Little Shout Out from the Silent Bob of This Operation

I may not be on campus but I've got a few tricks up my sleves. So keep your trampy commuter stamp to yourself and sleep with one eye open UBC, cause I'm not going anywhere.