Memo to Consumers

My days of working in a retail, mainstream, clothing store are nearly over. Four shifts remain, standing between me and freedom of the perpetual fold. Even if I remain in the customer service industry, which I will, there is a list I feel I must make. An ode of sorts to my customers.

You're walking into the store. It is neat, clean, respectable. Your first instinct upon spotting the item you're looking for is to rifle through the piles, grabbing one of each color of course, and leaving only disaster in your wake. You realize you have grabbed the wrong size, you ask the nearest Fitting Room Attendant to find you the right ones. In every color. After trying on each shirt, you drop them unceremoniously onto the bench in your change room and select one (ONE) to actually buy. You want another color, one you did not see on the table, so you pester an available Sales Associate for it. Finding that we do not, you go up to pay and heckle over the price because somewhere on your journey you have seen a price that says "5 Dollars". The Cashier insists you are wrong. You demand to speak with a manager. The manager is summoned, and promptly dismisses you, telling the cashier to charge you the demanded price for the shirt. You leave the store with a sense of triumph.

"You" are my days and nights. And there are a few things you should know.

1. That table you first ruined? I've folded every single shirt on it more times than I can count. I will do it again and glare at you as you leave the vicinity. If I catch your eye and you feign bashfulness, whispering "sorry", I will hold back a biting response. Contrary to popular belief, "sorry" doesn't fold things. I do. All day.
2. Even if something comes in different colors, they will all fit you the same if they are in the same size.
3. That size? You should know it. You're 26 and up.
4. You may think that it's our job, but we're not there solely to dash off and get you sizes, in each color you've picked out. We, the Sales Associate, have shit to do. If you're going to need someone to be at your beck and call, bring a friend or family member. The same goes for telling you if you're butt looks alright in those pants. Let's face it, it's weird for both of us.
5. If you open the fitting room door upon getting a size, and you're naked, even if you're standing behind the door, we can still see you. There is a mirror right next to you, and yes, this is also awkward for us.
6. If you're in a couple, no you may not change together. I don't care if you're both V4L, children are changing in rooms all around you and the last thing their parents need is to be faced with the question of "what are those sounds?". I also do not need to catch flak from those parents. Don't be exhibitionists.
7. I am not your mother. When you leave clothes all over the floor and bench in those tiny fitting rooms, I do not enjoy having to clean up after you. Argue that it's "my job" all you want, but it's called common courtesy, and you should find it.
8. In the back of every store is a magical door through which everything you have ever asked an Associate for resides. Sizes, colors, you name it. You know this because you always seem to ask if we have any "in the back" - a code for this place. This place is also home to all of the mythical creatures from the land of Narnia.
9. Illiteracy is still a problem in this country. I know this because even if the sign says "dresses" you will still insist that it is for the shirts seven feet from it.
10. You're belief system is strong. So much so that you will fight for a fifty cent difference since you believe it is right. I think "cheap", you think "righteous". You are not a knight, this is not Camelot, it is fifty cents.
11. That manager that you felt an instant sense of comradeship with when she told me to "go ahead and do it", by default agreeing with you, is not your friend. Fifty seconds after you leave they will turn to me and ask exactly what you have gotten stuck up your ass that morning. I will speculate various objects, making them laugh.
12. There are some of you that I like, that I want to help, that I want to give discounts to. These are the ones who have worked in retail, who have made this list in their head. They understand. You should be this person, perhaps then you could find Narnia, too.